Side Effects May Include
by VexVulpes
Summary: Dib gets another pair of sleeper-cuffs. But things don't go as planned... Do they ever? ZaDR, because I write nothing else. Warning: BL.... and Emo / uke Zim.
1. The cuffz!

**"Side Effects May Include..."**

Summary: Dib gets another pair of sleeper-cuffs. But things don't go as planned... Do they ever?

Pairings: ZaDR

Warnings: Boys loving Boys and Humans loving aliens (and vice-verse)

Rated: K+

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Chapter 1

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It was a rather nice day. The sun was shining, birds were singing, people smiled and waved at each other.

From a rather strange, green house on a round-about street, a voice growled, " I **hate** cheerful days like this!"

Inside the house, Irken Invader Zim jerked the blinds of a window closed adn walked to a small couch. GIR, his dog-suited dysfunctional SIR unit, shoved a whole taco in his mouth and laughed insanely.

"I mean, look at those filthy _humans_!" Zim continued, ignoring the psychotic robot. "Happily prancing about, enjoying their pathetic lives! This planet's just _begging_ to be destroyed!"

"Yay! I love destruction!" GIR screamed, throwing a taco in the air. The food landed on Zim's head with a splat and the Irken screamed as the ground meat burned his skin.

Running in circles as GIR laughed, Zim hurriedly brushed the remains of the taco off and glared at GIR. "GIR! Your master's pain is NOT funny!"

"You's was yellin' like a piggy!"

"**Liez**!" Zim exclaimed, his antennae twitching in anger. "Zim does not-"

The doorbell suddenly rang, interrupting the alien's denial. Zim blinked his red eyes in confusion, all anger at his robot companion forgotten. "Eh?"

"Piggy!" GIR giggled, hitting his head with tiny metal fists. Zim stared at him briefly before making his way to the door, putting on his black wig and purple contacts.

Adjusting his wig, he inhaled, smiled, and opened the door. The smile disappeared as soon as he had seen who it was.

"Hello, Zim." Dib Membrane snarled, hands behind his back. A triumphant grin was plastered on his face and Zim immediately went on guard.

"Dib," he hissed, glaring into the humans golden eyes. "What do you want?"

"Oh, nothing," Dib innocently replied, rocking on his heels. "I just wanted to tell you something."

"Tell me what?"

"First, hold out your hands."

Zim frowned, at a loss for words. "Why?"

"Oh, you'll see." Dib smugly stated, grinning. Curiosity got the better of Zim and he slowly extended his hands. After all, what was the worst that could happen?

Before the Irken could fully grasp what was going on, Dib pulled out a pair of high-tech hand cuffs and clamped them onto Zim's wrists. Yelping in surprise as an electrical shock raced through his system, Zim sank to his knees and collapsed to the floor. For the first time, he noticed Gaz was behind her brother with a camera.

"Nighty night, Zim!" Dib snickered as the alien invader's world faded to black.

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To be continued...

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Authors note: I always wondered what would happen if he had succeeded in his little.... cuff experiment...

Typer's note: Being more.... slash inclined, I feel the need to tell all you... hard core lovers out there... that there will be no no NO xenophilic seckz. Nope. Zim's got nothin'. cx

And, once again, I ask WHY DO I DO THIS?!


	2. Side Effects

**"Side Effects May Include..."**

Summary: Dib gets another pair of sleeper-cuffs. But things don't go as planned... Do they ever?

Pairings: ZaDR

Warnings: Boys loving Boys and Humans loving aliens (and vice-verse)

Rated: K+

xxxxx

Chapter 2

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Zim moaned, unsure if he was awake or even alive.

"About time you woke up!"

The voice was close, but at the same time distant and hazy. Zim moaned again and weakly opened his eyes. "Dah... ih... bah?"

His speech was drastically slurred, his usually quick tongue thick and clumsy in his mouth. Come to think of it, everything in his entire body felt sluggish and numb.

"Ingenious device, isn't it?" Dib gloated, stepping into Zim's line of sight. "Shame I didn't get a chance to use them the first day we met."

Zim finally realized they were in his lab, below the base. "Wh-wha.. tih?"

"The sleeper cuffs, Zim! The ones you Lawn gnomes destroyed!" Dib reminded, laughing wickedly. "I got another pair and used them on you!"

Zim merely blinked, his slow-running mind unfazedby the information. Dib only laughed harder at the Irken's new found stupidity.

"You see Zim, the cuffs are quite a clever invention," the human explained, placing his hands behind his back. "Once attached,, they send out a small but powerful electrical pulse consistently through the body, slowing down messages to the brain. In short, you're pretty much sedated."

"Can we just get this over with?" Gaz's voice complained. "I wanna play my Game Slave 2."

Dib sighed and cleared his throat. "Ready the camera!"

"We recording... now."

"Hello fellow believers! This is Dib Membrane, Paranormal investigator!" Grinning widely, the human then frowned. "And no, I'm not crazy."

"Yes you are." Gaz muttered, rolling her eyes.

"_Anyway_," Dib growled, giving her an immature glare. "I ordered a new pair of sleeper cuffs from my Crop Circles Magazine and managed to capture the alien which has invaded our planet!"

By now Zim realized what his arch nemesis was up to. "Oh no..."

"Oh yes!" Dib triumphantly exclaimed, walking over to Zim's side. "Behold, the Irken Zim!"

Eagerly the human removed Zim's wig and contacts, tossing them to the side. Strangely, Zim didn't care. He was too busy thinking about how big Dib's head looked from this angle...

The new exposed Irken giggled childishly. Dib, who'd been chuckling joyously to himself, glared at him. "What's so funny? I just unmasked you on tape!"

"Ur 'ead's buh-ig!" Zim slurred, then burst out laughing. Dib frowned in confusion and cleared his throat.

"Er, behold! The um... the um... What the hell's wrong with him!?"

Frustrated, Dib grabbed an antenna in his fist. Zim gasped in shock as a wave of... of... tingly-ness raced through his body. "Do that uh-gain!"

"No!" Dib spat, letting go. Turning back to Gaz, he swallowed. "er, I guess he's kind of out of it, due to the cuffs..."

"He he, Duh-ib's gots a buh-ig 'ead."

"Yes, it is. Now shut up!" Dib snapped savagely. "Now, as you can see, Zim's an alien, just like I've always told you."

"But no-buddy 'istened too Duh-ib cuz 'e's **crazy**!" Zim squealed, smiling brightly. "Crazy an' cute! Duh-ib _cute_!"

Dib stared at the giggling Irken, face bright red. Gaz, the creepy, never smiling demon of the Membrane family, suddenly burst out laughing.

"Zim, what the hell is wrong with you!?"

"Zim brains all 'mpty!" Zim exclaimed, knocking on his head with his still chained hands. "Nuh-thin' in 'em!"

"That's... nice," Dib muttered, backing away slightly. "Now, er, admit the truth yourself! Are you an alien!?"

"Yep! Zim's an alien! All the way 'um Irk! Irky-Irk-Irk-Irken, 'at's what Zim is!"

Dib stared yet again at his captive. "Wow, that was easy..."

"Dib, I think you broke him."

"Shut up, Gaz!" Dib growled, leaning over Zim. Slowly, his eyes fell to Zim's chest or, more accurately, the location of-

"Of course!" Dib cried, snapping his fingers. "You have two brains, each one sending different messages at different times!"

"Like I said, you broke him."

"No, it's just a normal reaction to the sleeper cuffs-"

Zim, having grown bored with his autopsy video in-process, wiggled his toes, fingers and antennae. Well, maybe he did, he was too numb to tell. Eventually, he burst out laughing, earning another glare from Dib.

"What's so funny!?" the human hissed, patience dangerously close to snapping.

"Duh-nt know, but is fun-naez!" Zim slurred, laughing harder. Dib sighed, holding his head in his hands.

"Are we done yet?"

"No!" Dib snapped, casting a dark look at Gaz. Readjusting his trench coat, he walked over to the giddy Irken and puled into a sitting position, his back to the camera. "Now, I have concluded that this device on his back is a second brain of some sort."

"Zim PAK make Zim think Zimmy stuff. ZIM!" Zim chimed, smiling happily. He'd never noticed how much fun it was to say his name. "Zim Zim Zimmy Zimmy Zim Zim Zim-"

"**Enough**!" Dib roared, leaping onto the examination table and glaring down at Zim. A long silence fell until, growing bored, the alien flickered his tongue like a snake and giggle for the hundredth time.

All anger forgotten, Dib groaned and sat down, holding a hand to his head. "I don't understand... How could this plan have gone wrong? It was- _yipe_!"

The cause of Dib's yelp of surprise was Zim, who, having no sense of balance whatsoever, had just collapsed into the humans lap. Curling up against his abdomen, Zim made a sound like a cross between a hum and a purr. "'Ur warm..."

"Aw, he looks so cute." Gaz cooed, snickering at her brother's awkward predicament.

Dib merely stared into Zim's blood-red eyes, opening and closing his mouth. "Gaz, I-I think he's... His eyes are... Hypnotic power..." He leaned forward for a closer look...

And, to Zim;s own surprise, the Irken slammed his lips against Dib's, sloppily kissing the person who had, only seconds ago, been his arch nemesis. Slowly, his eyes drooped closed and he whined pathetically, wanting nothing more than for this human to accept him.

Unfortunately, Dib was it on the same wavelength. Pushing Zim away, he spat in disgust. "What the fuck!?"

The once giddy alien burst into sobs, tears streaming down his green face. "Zim love Dib! Zim love Dib, but Dib hate Zim! Ev'ryone hate Zim!"

Dib could only stare at the crying Irken. Behind him, Gaz was laughing her ass off. "The amazing sleeper cuffs! Guaranteed to render any alien life form unconscious! Side effects may include dizziness, drowsiness, giddiness, loss of coherent thought and balance, sudden mood swings-"

"Gaz, Help me!" Dib snapped, panicking. Zim had collapsed into his lap again, curling into a fetal position as depression and rejection overwhelmed him.

"Dib hate Zim, Tallest hate Zim, Sizz-Lorr hate Zim, Tak hate Zim, Irk hate Zim, **_Zim hate Zim_**!"

"You made him like this, _you _fix it," Gaz growled, putting the camera down and pulling out her Game Slave 2.

Dib swallowed and touched Zim's shoulder. "Er, Zim?"

"No-buddy love Zim..."

Dib leaned closer, shaking the alien's shoulder gently. "Zim?"

"Why no-buddy love Zim?"

Dib took a deep breath and grabbed Zim's chin, gently forcing him to look up. Blushing intensely, he softly kissed the Irken where his nose would be.

Zim blinked stupidly, his slowed-down brains registering the events at a snails pace. Once the information was digested, he squealed and again slammed his lips to Dib's, making the hum-pur sound happily.

Dib sighed through his nose and took it like a man. After all, it wasn't like anyone else was going to see this, right?

After what felt like hours, Zim pulled away, panting and gasping for air. Grinning, he placed his head against Dib's chest. "Zim love Dib, Dib love Zim! Sum-buddy love Zim!"

"Mm hm." Dib agreed, voice sincere. Grabbing the sleeper cuffs, he unlocked them and tossed them in a nearby garbage can.

"Zim want Dib..." Zim murmured, wrapping his now free arms around Dib's waist. "Zim need Dib..."

"Yeah, er, Dib need Zim, too.:" Dib muttered, laying his chin on Zim's head and causing the Irken to twitch an antenna.

"Zim Dib's Irky-Irken!" Zim giggled, flicking his tongue. "Dib say stuff, Zim obey! Like SIR uni-ent!"

"Er, stop trying to take over the world?"

"Okie Dokie!" Zim cried, then burst into laughter. Dib sighed and hugged the insane little Irken closer.

"What have I gotten myself into?"

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To be continued...

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Authors note: Um... I got nothin' to say...

Typer's note: She even makes me type her authors note. D: lol, jokes aside (glares) she always always ALWAYS has a kiss in her stories. If not a MAKE OUT SESSION! How does she even think of this stuff. o.O

Authors rebuttle: My boy friend does not kiss me as often as he should!!

Typer's reply: Nice excuse. If he read this, YOU WOULDN'T HAVE A BOY FRIEND!! x3

And, just because I have to: WHY DO I DO THIS?!


	3. Demon!

**"Side Effects May Include..."**

Summary: Dib gets another pair of sleeper-cuffs. But things don't go as planned... Do they ever?

Pairings: ZaDR

Warnings: Boys loving Boys and Humans loving aliens (and vice-verse)

Rated: K+

xxxxx

Chapter 3 (super short)

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Gaz looked at the tape in her hands, then at the passed out couple on the table.

This was evil, even for her.

"Ch, whatever, it'll be worth the looks on their faces." she muttered, dropping the tape into an envelope marked 'Mysterious Mysteries'.

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The END!

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Authors note: It's unbelievabley short! Was it even worth it?!

Typer's note: I JUST TYPED IT ALL! IT DAMN WELL BETTER BE WORTH IT!! All in one sitting, too! (the whole story, that is!)

(is proud)

WHY DO I DO THIS?!


End file.
